peepers


When I was in Seattle in January something strange happened.  I woke up in my hotel room, took a shower, turned on the tv and tiredly tried to get ready.  I couldn’t read the time on the corner of the screen on CNN and when I looked in the mirror I couldn’t see most of my face.  I felt like I was getting a migraine and panicked as I lost a good portion of my vision.  But, as I’ve found as I get older, the scarier something seems health-wise the less I want to deal with it.  Being a klutz my whole life and always hurting myself in some way or another and in turn over-reacting, it figured the first time I tried to brush off an injury, was the first time it was serious enough to require surgery.  And so over the past 6 months the random acts of blindness happened 5 times and unless someone was there, or I was talking to A, I pushed it to the back of my head.   And, then worried, that in brushing it off, it might be something terrible.  I’m generally quite good at forgetting most things that don’t concern my day to day busy-ness lately.

Of course I trolled the internet, usually right after it happened again, and connected it to my headaches.  A few weeks ago, my last little "episode" was followed with a doozy of a headache, but otherwise, they just left me feeling like I’d had a migraine for two days, but without the horrible pain and sickness.  And though most of my vision would disappear into white light, it never lasted more than an hour.  Since they always happened when I’d not had enough sleep for a few nights and when I was stressed it made some sense.  In a strange way I was also impressed that calming myself down and relaxing was all it took to make them go away.

The last one freaked me out enough to start considering that I might be having a stroke or something really serious.  5 times in 6 months and it had never happened before.  Since I plan to spend this year tending to a number of things involving doctors, I scheduled an appointment.

Yesterday I saw the Dr. and he didn’t take it as lightly as I was hoping.  And, so, today I went to the Ophthalmologist terrified that I he’d find something.  I’ve always had 20/20 vision so I’d never had a portion of the full battery of tests that they can do.  Lights, drops, discomfort, flipping my eyelids, not seeing a good portion of the letters (when they were actually numbers-tricky bastards), traumatizing me with all sorts of devices in a way I reserve for the Dentist, and then finally stumbling back home with sunglasses on half blind, but with RELIEF.

The verdict is that my eyes are still a touch better than 20/20, my field of vision is fine, all is well…even the lil lump I’ve been feeling is absolutely nothing to worry about and will disappear eventually.  He even confirmed that the near blindness, though sucky, is just some of the fun that migraines can bring to the party.  I think I still have to follow up with a Neurologist or something for good measure…but, PHEW.
Even though I found having your eyes numbed with thick orange stingy drops and one’s pupils dilated more miserable than I imagined, I was amused that hours later I still looked like a total crack fiend.
I took a picture:

 

And, now I just hope that peace of mind assures that the last time was in fact the last time.
I watched "Alfie" tonight since after a nap I was still pretty blurry and useless.  I really liked it.  I didn’t expect to find it particularly good, but I did.

I think I’m just super excited since a week from this moment, A will be here.  AND, I’m going camping next weekend!



stamina


Today is the first day that I’ve seen Police in my PATH station searching bags. There were quite a few of them with tables set up, donning rubber gloves in the sweltring heat. While I know the chances such a measure will stop any number of awful things from happening is small, it does make me feel better. I wish every station could be staffed everyday, forever…but, the man power in my little station alone will likely be very random and very short-lived. Too bad the stations don’t have air conditioning or better ventilation for anyone having to spend more than a few minutes down there…it’s turning out to be a hot Summer.

Press Release
SECURITY ADVISORY FOR PORT AUTHORITY FACILITIES — BAGS CARRIED BY TRAVELERS USING PATH, PORT AUTHORITY BUS TERMINAL AND AIRTRAIN SYSTEMS SUBJECT TO INSPECTION BEGINNING MONDAY, JULY 25
Date: July 22, 2005
Press Release Number: 87-2005
Beginning Monday, July 25, bags, luggage and packages carried by travelers using the Port Authority’s PATH rapid-transit system, the Port Authority Bus Terminal, AirTrain JFK and AirTrain Newark will be subject to inspection by Port Authority Police.
On PATH, searches will be conducted before travelers reach the fare collection area, and travelers not wishing to participate will not be allowed to enter the PATH system.



disclosure


I started this lil’ virtual journal about a year ago now.

Last summer I was in an odd place. I’ve always been a journaler and found that I had a mess of private things in books, word documents, emails, and the things I bookmarked and pasted into emails and checked back to get a giggle. There is always a divide between what one wants to share and what is just plain best kept to oneself. And, I was losing track and wanted to make a concise home base of all my many snippets. So, I made a website that was totally for me… but being one who often can’t keep a secret, I started to share. Then, I decided to really share – and had to yank most of postings back to a less public place.

And, so I’d post things here, but I had my rules. The overriding rule was there would be NO mention of boys or life beyond hints and quips of daily Jersey City and Manhattan life. In the beginning, it was easy, I was dating and meeting new people, many of whom I’d knew (for better or for worse and quite honestly) would be mere blips in terms of my personal history. It was a giddy few months and everything seemed bright (pain killers?), new, and incredibly amusing.

If I were to sum up and start from the beginning:
In June I had knee surgery. In a lot of ways it was easier than I ever could have imagined, and yet it was no easy time for me…I learned a lot and life changed immeasurably for me as a result. I consider it a huge turning point for any number of reasons. Most importantly, I gained a faith in myself I never knew possible. I returned to work and NY recharged after a short recovery.

A…, August, Augment, Allusion, "A" words I can’t think of…

With no motive, no scheme, (a rarity), and no need, I found myself in touch with a past "fling" from the early days at Emerson. We emailed and talked on the phone and found a friendship which was definitely not possible back then, and which I think surprised us both. We talked, and talked and talked…about everything, about nothing, and yet, became a huge part of each other’s day. He came to visit in October and March. I went to San Francisco in January.

Fast forward to now…things have changed. Nearly a year is a long time and a lot has happened. Experience, circumstance and a whole lot of minutes and hours have passed. I’ve been staying away, because what is fair to share, and becoming more and more evasive not to talk about here, is just too big a part of my life not to. In a lot of ways, I’ve been scared to commit the situation to print. Ya see, in reality, he lives in San Francisco, CA and I live in NJ. After deciding that I’d move there and then both of us deciding that was not such a good idea…we both gave up…I think.

But…nothing really changed. I’d fallen in love. And, we’d planned bits of what we both wanted, no matter how illogical and unrealistic. We still talked all the time, we still got along incredibly well, we both made each other happy and tentatively wished to be together. We also didn’t want to be with anyone else. I had to convince myself I was not re-circling or regressing to a comfort zone of distance, having promised myself and my friends who’d known me for awhile that I’d never indulge in a long distance situation again.

There’s been drama and doubt. There have been times and likely will be more where we might question our sanity…but, A, my Alus, from Texas (not A of NJ fame), is my love. I finally trust that he’ll be here in the coming months to finally live a life we are both ready for. I’ve wanted to tell the story and I know I’m doing it no justice…probably because I’m trying to summarize something best told in the day to day and the details I’ve been afraid to jeopardize in mentioning the way I do a silly link or anything I’ve posted here in the past. The whole thing is both precious and solid at the same time…and, it’s everything to me.

To say I’m smitten is to trivialize our time together (and our time apart). If I were Tiger Lily and he were Peter Pan, I’d call him the sun, the moon and the stars. But, that might be cheesy, and I’m not cheesy dammit.

In May, A came to me with honesty…and options. He is going back to school and was willing to explore the possibility of doing it in NY/NJ. He’s lived in NY before and he left for a number of valid reasons and I don’t want him to return to what he left.

In July, I made a trip to Texas for his birthday. It was hot and I wore my heart and my discomfort on my sleeve. I’m so thankful that I got to see bits of his childhood, his past, and his life, but I still freak out a little bit because my better sense tells me that when he leaves camp in a few weeks, we still have a semester in San Francisco before I’ll be done talking about "my boyfriend from California." It’s still July, but I want it to be August when he’ll be sitting beside me as we do our thang…

So, here it is…a poor attempt to (re)tell what I see as seriously missing from my lil’ journal if my journal is to represent my life.



domesticity


I want a trampoline

this requires a yard, so I guess I’ll need that too.
…and, a dog, a dog would be mighty nice



W


I spent some time in College Station, TX.  George Bush Senior built his Library on the A&M campus.  And, somehow I wound up there with A on his 30th birthday, by my own request.

The highlight was finding this in the gift shop and buying one for Mom and Dad.

paper dolls book on amazon



sadly


 

While on vacation I was excited to unexpectedly see an alumni magazine.  I usually scan the back pages for good news: weddings, babies, new jobs, etc…and I was shocked and saddened to find out that the much beloved Professor Hankin passed away this Winter.  In September I wrote to him to thank him for my best Emerson experiences and for being an amazing teacher and human being – what I consider to be the most dignified, honrorable, respectable, fantastic aspiration anyone can work toward…It remains one of my most cherished email exchanges and my heart is with his family, friends, and the many whom he touched.