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  • instead of much needed sleep my brain seems intent on finding the camera I misplaced a few weeks ago #
  • @mattgunn tuesday is the new monday. #trousers #attaché in reply to mattgunn #
  • pro-tip – to maximize monday morning confidence and overall peace of mind, pick out what you're wearing the week ahead before it starts. #


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  • instead of much needed sleep my brain seems intent on finding the camera I misplaced a few weeks ago #
  • @mattgunn tuesday is the new monday. #trousers #attaché in reply to mattgunn #
  • pro-tip – to maximize monday morning confidence and overall peace of mind, pick out what you're wearing the week ahead before it starts. #


In which it is 7 degrees hotter than the forecasted high


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truthiness


 

It's been a shitty 11 months…though there were some giddy moments in the beginning.  In those early days I stretched my severance and maintained my optimism.  It was summertime, I hadn't appreciated the warm months quite so much since I was a kid.  I adventured, I cooked, I spent lots of time with family and friends, I lost weight, I woke up well-rested, in short, I know I glowed.  I interviewed and sent my resume out, I took a promising freelance position that looked like it was going to turn into a full-time gig in the Fall.  Then, it seemed my lights went out.
 

It was a slow burn really, one devastation after another.  At the height of those “good” Summer weeks, my Uncle died.  He was sick for a long time, but young – it was horrible, awful, and as it always is – way too soon.  I had the tearful goodbye where told him I loved him and how much he meant to me, it has been no consolation.  I read his eulogy at his funeral.  I still miss him and mourn large parts of my life, “the way things were,” that died with him.  Maybe it was a delayed reaction of sorts, but suddenly I found myself not only grieving for my Uncle, but my Grandfather, my Grandmother and to make it slightly more complicated, it reignited a quest to find out more about the blood ancestry of my Mother
 

Bills started stacking up, I didn't make my goal of being employed by October.  I was uninsured, living by the skin of my teeth, scared and ashamed.  I felt as though I was chipping away at my soul with each interview I went on, pored over my thank you and follow-up emails and calls, then would get a nice note of let down or no response at all.  I still feel burned by the request I had to put together a “thoughtful analysis of my interviews” with one company, which I spent hours on and involved my Mom in helping me draft….and didn't even get a one word response.  A simple “Thanks” would have been appropriate, or so says me.  I'd aced the interview, or so I thought.  But, thems the breaks when you're on the other side of the desk, a place that grows colder with every day you're out of work.  There was also that interview with Miserable McMisery, as I'll forever remember her, where I stumbled and let Ms. ScowlyPants turn me into a mess of unhire-able babble.  It was humiliating to crash and burn in an interview and I did so more than once.  And that freelance position I worked at for some of the darkest months didn't pan out, I just think of that time as awkward and regrettable (and my clothes got tight and uncomfortable).  The bulk of the past 6 months or so are a blur of mostly despair, though I'll never forget some generous acts of kindness and joy (If I saw you or spoke to you in the past 11 months, you know who you are – I'm not risking leaving anyone out by listing you all, I just hope I thanked you appropriately).  It's been a seesaw, a mostly lonely plank, there were awesome moments where I felt I could touch the sky, but a lot of the time I was sitting on the ground.  Rinse, repeat.
 

I started and committed to many projects I never finished.  In those early energetic stages of what my fellow benefit claimers tend to call (fun)employment, my imagination was fertile.  The short list of my failures starts like this:

I'm not saying I would have won the contest, but I had some damned great ideas (if I do say so myself).  Along with @theambershow, we hand cut zillions (gross exaggeration) of snow flakes to be used as business cards.  I dreamed up a campaign with @semipermgirl to shoot video on the East River in a kayak and otherwise really lobby to go to Antarctica this year….then reality jumped in and…I bailed. It didn't help that I secured an interview with a top Antarctic scientist the week of my Uncle's death and then made a bit of an ass of myself on the phone when I called him to postpone it.

This project proved "failure to launch" long before last June, but I figured…with all the time in the world, I could finally get to it.  I didn't, and in the meantime, so many blogs and services are realizing my little hatchling of an idea far better than I could have executed on.

Yet another bloggy-type project that never materialized past hours of collaborative brainstorming with @semipermgirl.  I still think it's a fun idea, maybe one of these days I'll get to it.
 

  • For my birthday this year I bought 7 strings of Tibetan prayer flags.  It was a start.  The plan was to string my ceiling with so many prayer flags that I wouldn't see the water stains and pipes that are currently my view from bed.  Also, I had a lot of prayers, what better way to realize them then to set them free, on the wind.  I chose an auspicious day, I discussed borrowing a ladder from my landlord.  At the time I didn't know she was dying of cancer, but yeah….I never got a ladder.  I even tried wearing my highest heals standing on the step stool she lent to me.  It was a total fail, thankfully I didn't break my neck, my birthday sucked and I lost faith.  Currently I have 2.5 strings hung successfully.  One end has fallen….and then my landlord died…and well, yep, it just kept getting rougher. 

SXSW would have been an amazing trip, really an excuse to see many friends I don't get to see everyday, but I didn't rally, my heart was never in it and I chose to pursue employment…for me, because that was the order of the day(s).

I miss podcasting, and my last period of wretched darkness was very much my entree into well, probably meeting everyone who might read this post.  It had been years since @wankergirl and I started the first realization of what I was planning re-launch.

I did a lot of craft-type stuff to pass the time.  I thought why not try to make some cash on the side and just never found the energy to spread the word or finish setting up my store.  Go figure. 

 

The list of personal disappointments goes on and on, I know better, there's no need to dwell on the many things I wish i done differently.  11 months, and so much of it I can only chalk up to idle and wasted time.  I remember when I first lost my job having a conversation with someone who'd just gone back to work after a long stretch of unemployment.  She asked if I'd had days yet where I didn't see a point to get out of bed; I shook my head and I felt bad for her.  I never imagined it could get that bad, but I started to relate.

 

The world keeps turning…and thankfully I think I (mostly) managed to not completely fall apart.  I am once again employed, but I still don't feel like it's real.  I have the constant feeling someone might pop through my office wall and yell that I've been Punk'd or perhaps I'll sink, and that 90 day provisional review might not go in my favor.  I'm working, OMG, I'm WORKING!  Finally!  I don't talk about work here and I'm not going to start, but I am very excited by the work I'm doing and who I'm doing it with/for.  I'm still dusting myself off and looking at these dormant projects and beginning to own up to a (long) list of broken promises, I can really only say "I'm sorry" "I'll do better next time.".  Life isn't tidy, and I realize I tend to post when I can wrap up a story with something meaningful or tied with a bow and a hug and kiss.  There is no sugar-coating the past year, it mostly sucked.



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paws




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  • I have a crush on Daris. #biggestloser #confessions #
  • I wish I had the steam to go down to the water to see Manhattanhenge this evening. #pooped #
  • @dfrw I always get up…eventually in reply to dfrw #
  • "New subway map makes Manhattan even bigger, reduces Staten Island" http://nyti.ms/9SVwQb (via @xxdesmus) what is an angular map? #
  • nighttime me: ambitious, sets the alarm early, too much energy to sleep. morning me: catatonic, renegotiates wake up, chooses sleep. #


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  • I have a crush on Daris. #biggestloser #confessions #
  • I wish I had the steam to go down to the water to see Manhattanhenge this evening. #pooped #
  • @dfrw I always get up…eventually in reply to dfrw #
  • "New subway map makes Manhattan even bigger, reduces Staten Island" http://nyti.ms/9SVwQb (via @xxdesmus) what is an angular map? #
  • nighttime me: ambitious, sets the alarm early, too much energy to sleep. morning me: catatonic, renegotiates wake up, chooses sleep. #


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  • @Stuzie congrats on the promotion! #
  • Extra bonus of the past two days has been running into @CyprusBLU on the subway platform on the way in #
  • @CocteauBoy you can meditate at my place anytime! in reply to CocteauBoy #
  • Ironing: a minor life skill I never acquired (along with penmanship, measurement conversions, parallel parking) #


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  there's a mosquito in here, things have gone a bit "breaking bad"



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  • the "freelance" recycling guys are having a turf war outside my window. apparently my block is good, but better on the other corner #gothere #
  • @kosso oh, I haz it and I even made it sing in reply to kosso #
  • my cat sounds like a demented bird #
  • @kosso love the name, loving everything about sir nigel #
  • @HitOrMissJudy I was referring to 42nd specifically. Grand Central > Port Authority. Chrysler Bldg over theatre district in reply to HitOrMissJudy #
  • Peeking through the trees, Bryant Park. This city feels a lot better now that I'm employed. http://post.ly/hE97 #
  • I can now solidly say I prefer midtown east over midtown west #
  • Pet Peeve #14 – Being forced to order food by cutesy names. I will list the ingredients, I'll leave it to you to ring in the right sandwich #
  • @randymatheson rub fabric on fabric, use the bottom of your shirt against the part you nailed with deo. Don't use paper towels, tissues, etc in reply to randymatheson #


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  • the "freelance" recycling guys are having a turf war outside my window. apparently my block is good, but better on the other corner #gothere #
  • @kosso oh, I haz it and I even made it sing in reply to kosso #
  • my cat sounds like a demented bird #
  • @kosso love the name, loving everything about sir nigel #
  • @HitOrMissJudy I was referring to 42nd specifically. Grand Central > Port Authority. Chrysler Bldg over theatre district in reply to HitOrMissJudy #
  • Peeking through the trees, Bryant Park. This city feels a lot better now that I'm employed. http://post.ly/hE97 #
  • I can now solidly say I prefer midtown east over midtown west #
  • Pet Peeve #14 – Being forced to order food by cutesy names. I will list the ingredients, I'll leave it to you to ring in the right sandwich #
  • @randymatheson rub fabric on fabric, use the bottom of your shirt against the part you nailed with deo. Don't use paper towels, tissues, etc in reply to randymatheson #


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  • @kosso RAMEN in reply to kosso #
  • Dear kid, sorry your mom doesn't love you, but your overdramtic display of pigeon fear isn't helping #
  • I really don't get how some people enjoy shopping. Back hurts and I have a figurative cranky pants wedgie. #
  • @ChazFrench if it was extra filthy then it's true in reply to ChazFrench #
  • Decisions Decisions…to head to Atlantic Mall or Union Square? I hate shopping in a very unnatural way #
  • @jessiejessie Thanks chica dee, we'll chat for sure. You buy your ticket and nail down your dates yet? in reply to jessiejessie #
  • @dfrw very much so :) in reply to dfrw #
  • It's official. I start Monday. #


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  • Wow, cops checking every car that passes this intersection one at a time #
  • NYC and BK folks, come join @SOTMario and me on Coney Island tomorrow. Take a SOTM photo http://www.someoneoncetoldme.com and wander with us #


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  • All day kept coming back to the memory of how ice pops taste on the beach, smell of sweet drippings on picnic tables and sand under hot sun #
  • and just as I was about to throw a tantrum on the front steps, my neighbor who ignored the bell for the past half hour was headed out. #
  • If it starts raining I will cry. Fuck it, might cry anyway #
  • Managed to lock myself out of the house while fetching delivery. Awesome choice not to put on a bra. #
  • OMG a mouse in my apartment http://post.ly/g1Mq #


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  • Because I'm not content to suffer alone I think I shall find some crops to spoil. #
  • I love it when items added to my "to do" list only a few hours ago make zero sense to me now @iamfail #
  • I crossed at corner, red light & got yelled at by school crossing guard for not waiting for her to "cross me". I don't get what I did wrong #
  • @sween I bet blind folks appreciate it in reply to sween #


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