disclosure


I started this lil’ virtual journal about a year ago now.

Last summer I was in an odd place. I’ve always been a journaler and found that I had a mess of private things in books, word documents, emails, and the things I bookmarked and pasted into emails and checked back to get a giggle. There is always a divide between what one wants to share and what is just plain best kept to oneself. And, I was losing track and wanted to make a concise home base of all my many snippets. So, I made a website that was totally for me… but being one who often can’t keep a secret, I started to share. Then, I decided to really share – and had to yank most of postings back to a less public place.

And, so I’d post things here, but I had my rules. The overriding rule was there would be NO mention of boys or life beyond hints and quips of daily Jersey City and Manhattan life. In the beginning, it was easy, I was dating and meeting new people, many of whom I’d knew (for better or for worse and quite honestly) would be mere blips in terms of my personal history. It was a giddy few months and everything seemed bright (pain killers?), new, and incredibly amusing.

If I were to sum up and start from the beginning:
In June I had knee surgery. In a lot of ways it was easier than I ever could have imagined, and yet it was no easy time for me…I learned a lot and life changed immeasurably for me as a result. I consider it a huge turning point for any number of reasons. Most importantly, I gained a faith in myself I never knew possible. I returned to work and NY recharged after a short recovery.

A…, August, Augment, Allusion, "A" words I can’t think of…

With no motive, no scheme, (a rarity), and no need, I found myself in touch with a past "fling" from the early days at Emerson. We emailed and talked on the phone and found a friendship which was definitely not possible back then, and which I think surprised us both. We talked, and talked and talked…about everything, about nothing, and yet, became a huge part of each other’s day. He came to visit in October and March. I went to San Francisco in January.

Fast forward to now…things have changed. Nearly a year is a long time and a lot has happened. Experience, circumstance and a whole lot of minutes and hours have passed. I’ve been staying away, because what is fair to share, and becoming more and more evasive not to talk about here, is just too big a part of my life not to. In a lot of ways, I’ve been scared to commit the situation to print. Ya see, in reality, he lives in San Francisco, CA and I live in NJ. After deciding that I’d move there and then both of us deciding that was not such a good idea…we both gave up…I think.

But…nothing really changed. I’d fallen in love. And, we’d planned bits of what we both wanted, no matter how illogical and unrealistic. We still talked all the time, we still got along incredibly well, we both made each other happy and tentatively wished to be together. We also didn’t want to be with anyone else. I had to convince myself I was not re-circling or regressing to a comfort zone of distance, having promised myself and my friends who’d known me for awhile that I’d never indulge in a long distance situation again.

There’s been drama and doubt. There have been times and likely will be more where we might question our sanity…but, A, my Alus, from Texas (not A of NJ fame), is my love. I finally trust that he’ll be here in the coming months to finally live a life we are both ready for. I’ve wanted to tell the story and I know I’m doing it no justice…probably because I’m trying to summarize something best told in the day to day and the details I’ve been afraid to jeopardize in mentioning the way I do a silly link or anything I’ve posted here in the past. The whole thing is both precious and solid at the same time…and, it’s everything to me.

To say I’m smitten is to trivialize our time together (and our time apart). If I were Tiger Lily and he were Peter Pan, I’d call him the sun, the moon and the stars. But, that might be cheesy, and I’m not cheesy dammit.

In May, A came to me with honesty…and options. He is going back to school and was willing to explore the possibility of doing it in NY/NJ. He’s lived in NY before and he left for a number of valid reasons and I don’t want him to return to what he left.

In July, I made a trip to Texas for his birthday. It was hot and I wore my heart and my discomfort on my sleeve. I’m so thankful that I got to see bits of his childhood, his past, and his life, but I still freak out a little bit because my better sense tells me that when he leaves camp in a few weeks, we still have a semester in San Francisco before I’ll be done talking about "my boyfriend from California." It’s still July, but I want it to be August when he’ll be sitting beside me as we do our thang…

So, here it is…a poor attempt to (re)tell what I see as seriously missing from my lil’ journal if my journal is to represent my life.